how to make it when there's a sub

First, realize that no one is calling you. It’s just your alarm. You can keep snoozing for half an hour before you really have to get up, so there’s no rush. Realize that you had to study for your astronomy exam last night and you had no chance to shower so now your hair is sticking to your head like you’re auditioning for the cast of grease. Forget the snoozing. Naturally, you have the urge to call your placement and tell them that you’re sick, but your CT will be gone. It’s just you and the sub now. What will the sub do without you? Feel guilty. Decide to shower even if it makes you a bit late. You can’t risk looking like grease baby who has no regard for personal hygiene. Besides, the sub may or may not be a cute boy, so your love life is on the line.

Stand in the shower like it’s the average lazy Sunday—like you have nowhere to be. This, you tell yourself, is the best way to relax and get ready for the day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Its 6:30am and you still have to figure out what you’ll wear. Remember: Kelsi tells you that you have a great sense of style. Don’t fail her now. Pick out the slacks that make your butt look plump, yet classy. The only ones are dirty. Dig through your dirty laundry and think about what a slob this semester has turned you into. Shrug your shoulders. The slacks are M.I.A.  Look in the laundry room. Look in the bathroom. The garage. Find them behind a throw pillow on top of your nasty old futon, which is coated in old leaves and dust. Wonder how you managed to leave them there and why you even thought to look there in the first place.

Its 7:00am. Awake from your daydream and realize that its 40 degrees outside and your wet hair is becoming harder with each dream filled minute that passes.

The hot blow dryer air makes you shiver. Look at you watch. You have to be out of your house by 7:10am. Its 7:04am. Things to do still are: Flat iron your hair. Get dressed. Put on your artificial face, and make yourself a poptart. Decide to skip flat ironing your hair. Stop to wish for a machine that you can just walk through to get ready. All you have to do is push a button that contains a certain style you’re going for: “hipster,” “classy,” “make my boyfriend regret ever leaving me for my almost-twin-best-friend.” You simply press the button and walk through and badda bing you’re ready.

7:10am and you’re still day dreaming about that machine. Seriously consider calling in. Grab a cold poptart instead, and slam the door behind you to make sure it closed. It did.

Remember your Ex when your song comes on the radio. Shed a few tears. Tell yourself that God has someone better, and that one day you’ll be happy again. Miss your exit. Shed some more tears. 7:45am. Park in the guest parking space, which you know you’re not supposed to park in, but you’re late, so unspoken rules don’t bother you. They’re unspoken for a reason.

The sub isn’t there yet.

He won’t get there until 8:00am, and you’ll forgive him because he is insanely good looking.

His lips will being to move as his hand extends. You remember that you have a little something called palmary hiperhydrosis, and nervously reach for his hand. Shake it. Tell him your name. Forget your manners. Remember them and ask for his. “Asym,” he says, “pronounced like ‘awesome’”

Wonder if this is a sign from God.

Go over sub plans and stare at his hands. Wonder why you like hands so much. His are nice. Sub plans indicate that all the students are doing is watching an episode of Mythbusters. “Phone book friction” you read aloud. “Sounds…cool” he murmurs. Hmmm… maybe he’s not so cute after all.

Introduce the class to the sub. They ask you if he’s your brother. “Yes,” you say. “Yes he is.” “Do we look alike?” he asks “yuhhh!” they all say. Smile at him. Maybe he is cute after all.

Get the video ready. Tell students to take out their notebooks. Review Cornell notes with them. Start the video.

Walk up and down the aisles and wonder how the Mythbusters met each other. Did they ever think their show would be watched by 7^th grade students in a 7^th grade science classroom?

8:40am. The kids were good. Pick up their notebooks, and ask them about the video. What was interesting? What did they like? What did they not like? Remember to remind them to raise their hands before shouting out a response.  “I can’t believe it, like, took two huge tanks to rip the what’s-it-called apart. Like, there was no glue!” nod your head and agree with her.  

The bell rings. Tell the kids to have a good weekend. Say goodbye to Asym. Hope that you’ll see him around the building. Walk down the hall nodding as you think about buying some more slacks that make your butt look good. Nod when you realize that you almost called in. Nod and smile when you remember that tomorrow is Saturday and you don’t have to get up early.